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Balance and Imbalance ☯️

I’ve noticed that I only feel the urge to write when I'm feeling down. The good times are either spent studying, working, or just relaxing and having fun. But during those blue or gray moments, I can’t focus on anything. I end up binge-watching shows, eating way too much, or taking long walks by the river, just trying to keep my mind from torturing me.

Recently, I managed to find a balance in my job search routine, but then a sudden cold knocked me off course. From last Friday to this Friday, my job search progress has been nearly zero. Establishing a stable routine isn't easy for me, and I fear losing that balance. Every time my life falls out of balance, it drags my mental state down too—I lose my motivation, and I numb myself with junk food and alcohol, which only makes me feel worse when I look back.

Reflecting on the past year, the intense job search, academics, and adapting to a new life in the U.S. have made my memories feel so vivid and intense. It’s like my first 23 years back home are fading away. Friends, events, memories from undergrad, my anger at the government's COVID policies and school management—it all seems distant now... I don’t have the motivation to revisit those memories anymore—my life is being rebuilt here in New York.

Friends 🫂

I've never been able to admit that I didn’t have many friends back home, not even close ones. I've debated this with people a lot, and it seems like others have a different definition of friendship than I do. Maybe I set the bar too high for what I consider a friend. Perhaps due to being hurt in high school and undergrad, I've developed a strong bias against “straight guys.” I don't trust them or believe in their friendships (this isn’t about sexual orientation, but personality). I almost can't be friends with “straight guys” or let them get close to me because I subconsciously assume they're all homophobic. But the random bits of “masculinity” in us, or maybe because I’m not at the far end of the spectrum when it comes to sexual orientation (I don’t even know what I’m saying…), make it hard for me to form friendships with women too. I can count on one hand the close female friends I’ve had since childhood (there was probably only one in high school). Before undergrad, most of my friends were straight guys, but after graduating, almost all my friends are gay. It’s odd because someone's personality and how well we get along shouldn't depend on their sexual orientation.

Now that I’ve made a few friends in New York, I’m starting to really like it here. I want to settle down and don’t want to move anywhere else. So, thoughts about where I'll work after graduation, whether I can stay in the U.S., all make me anxious. I don’t want to lose what I have here, even if it’s not much. In a way, it feels like I have nothing… But at least I know I have my family, who’ve always loved me dearly. They are the most important part of my life. But since coming to the U.S., the pace of life and future visa issues mean I can’t see them anytime soon. I can't give my grandma a big hug and kiss her or go home to visit her every month. This is a big part of why I feel so down. I feel trapped here by U.S. immigration policies, like New York is an open cage.

More on Job Searching 💼

Job searching is this huge mountain I can’t escape during my two years in the U.S. It weighs on me because a job means more than just supporting myself—it means being able to stay here legally. With less than eight months until graduation, it feels like finding a job is my only goal. Every day I go to school, grind through algorithms on LeetCode, endlessly tweak and send out resumes—it all feels like there’s no end in sight. When I think about my current situation, one phrase comes to mind: “Infinite grind.” I think it perfectly describes me and the thousands of others trying to stay in the U.S. by landing a job—getting a job seems like a tiny light at the end of a very long tunnel. Last year, the internship search ended with the arrival of summer, and I didn’t land a corporate internship. So, I’m doing a part-time job related to software development at school. I felt so lonely last year, but I’m lucky to have met a few friends this year to go through the full-time job search with me.

I know I can't stop until I find a job I’m happy with. It’s not that society won’t let me stop—it’s that my expectations for myself won’t let me. My life right now is all about data structures, algorithms, and sending out resumes. I keep fooling myself into thinking I enjoy this, but the truth is, I don’t. I wish I could be more laid-back, not care about the size of the company, and just be happy to find any job. But I can't help but worry about things like whether small companies will sponsor visas, or if I don’t get into a big company, I won’t be able to stay after three years… But I don’t want to think about those things. I’m not afraid of hard work, but I want to face life with a positive attitude, not with despair and pessimism. I don’t want to become aimless and lost. I want to live in the moment, focus on what I can control, be happy, and enjoy each day.

One thing about job searching that’s really not good for my mental health is that I’ve lost part of myself. I'm so “busy” every day, or I’m just too tired after work to do the things I love and really want to improve at—like music, reading, writing. I’ve mentioned this in past posts and discussed it a lot with my therapist. Without things that nourish my soul, I feel like a robot in modern society, constantly spinning, or I’ll be left behind by the system… I know I need to learn to let go of the things that consume my mind and make time each day for the things I enjoy, but it’s just so hard to do.

Young Royals & Self-Acceptance 👨🏼‍❤️‍💋‍👨🏽

Recently, Theo and I binge-watched all three seasons of Young Royals (I watched the last two episodes alone when I was feeling down last night). While it's far from being a bad show, the second and third seasons felt drawn out, with none of the compelling drive of the first season. But, since I’m the kind of person who likes to finish what they start, I pushed through all three seasons…

The series ends with Wille telling his mom that he’s giving up the crown to live as an ordinary person, then jumping out of the car to chase Simon on the sandy path. Wille longs for freedom so much that he's willing to give up the throne. If I were in his shoes, I don't know if I could say I'd give up becoming a king for freedom. Another scene is when Simon and Sara’s dad gives them a car, and when the siblings discuss their father, who’s struggled with alcoholism and irresponsibility, Simon says, “We should never have trusted him; he’ll never change.” But after spending some time with him, Sara says, “You know, Simon? Just because someone is a mess doesn’t mean we don’t need them in our lives.” This line really hit me, because I often complain about not getting along with certain friends or family due to personality traits. My perspective on them gets stuck on these negative aspects. But overall, they are absolutely good to me, and I really need them in my life. I shouldn’t let small issues stop me from loving them.

Young Royals, like so many other LGBTQ+ shows, keeps trying to teach viewers to “be yourself”—to unapologetically be who you are. This is something a lot of people find incredibly hard to do. In different ways, we’re all minorities—whether because of race, gender, sexual orientation, family background, education, body size, and so on. It takes a lot of courage and strength to loudly claim who we truly are and stand up to those who discriminate against us. So often, we shrink back, hiding our true selves, and the cost is that we become less likely to stand up for ourselves. We and those around us see less and less of our real, most vibrant selves. My takeaway from this is that I should start showing my true self to more people, to be brave enough to expose my imperfections, even if it means losing something. More often than not, this honesty will lead to deeper, more genuine connections. The hardest part is overcoming my own insecurities, getting past my distrust of others, and conquering my fear of getting hurt. I believe that to grow, I have to make myself braver!

生活的平衡：情绪、友谊和自我接纳 🏳️‍🌈

在忙碌找工季的中寻找平衡，思考友情，并勇敢地做自己

平衡与失衡 ☯️

突然发现每次想写什么的时候都是比较沮丧的时刻。而那些感觉很不错的时光要不就是用在学习工作上，要不就是用在了休闲娱乐上，而蓝色或者灰色的时刻则什么都干不进去，只能看暴饮暴食，去河边散步等方式来度过，不让自己被大脑折磨地太厉害。

前段时间建立起来的找工状态生活的平衡被一次突然地的感冒给打碎了，从上周五到这周五一周找工的进度几乎为零。而生活状态的建立对我来说并不是很容易，我也很怕平衡被打破，因为之前每次生活状态平衡的破碎几乎都伴随着一次心理状态的失衡——失去行动力，用回想起来恶心的垃圾食品或者酒精来麻痹自己。

回想过去一年，高强度的找工、学业和初到美国的新生活让记忆浓度变得异常高，高到仿佛前23年国内的人和事都在离我远去，过去的朋友，发生的事情，本科四年的记忆，对疫情政府政策和学校管理的愤怒等等貌似都在远去…… 我没有动力再去重新触碰这些回忆——我的生活已经在纽约重新建立起来了。

朋友 🫂

我一直不敢承认自己在国内没有太多的朋友，甚至没有好朋友。但关于这点我和很多人有过争论，似乎很多人对于朋友的定义跟我不一样，一切都反应着我把“朋友”的定义设的太高。也许是高中和本科间受到过受伤，我目前对“直男”有很大的偏见，我不相信他们之间以及与他们的友谊（此处的直男并非按性取向划分，而是性格方面）。我几乎无法和“直男”交朋友，也不敢让他们靠近我，因为我的潜意识默认他们都是恐同者。而我们体内莫名其妙的“男子气概”，又或者在性取向的色谱上我并非绝对极端的同性恋(我不知道我在说什么…)等等之类的原因, 我和女生之间也很难建立友谊，从小到大玩的比较好的女生屈指可数（貌似只有高中一个）。在本科之前的人生，我的朋友们几乎都是直男，但是在本科毕业之后我的朋友几乎全部都是同性恋，这真的让我觉得很奇怪，因为一个人的性格和我们是否处的来不应该和他们的性取向挂钩。

现在在纽约交到了几个朋友，也真的让我开始喜欢上这里，我想在这里安定下来，不想再去其他地方了。所以毕业后的工作地点，是否能够顺利留在美国等等的问题都让我很不安，因为我不想失去这一切，就算我拥有的没有很多，某种意义上来说我甚至又什么都没有…… 但我知道我起码拥有我的家人，她们一直都这样地爱着我，我也知道她们是我生命里最重要的事物。但是来美国之后的生活节奏，包括未来的签证问题都导致了短时间里我无法见到她们，不能给外婆一个大大的拥抱，然后亲亲她，每个月都能回家看望她。这一点也是目前让我很沮丧的原因，感觉被美国的移民政策困在了这里，纽约变成了一个敞开的牢笼。

再谈找工 💼

找工是我在美国两年无法逃避的一座大山，一直压在我的头顶上，因为一份工作不仅仅意味着我能养活自己，更意味着我是否能够合法留在这里。而对还有不到8个月就要毕业的我来说，这件事似乎也成为了我生活中唯一的目标。每天起床去学校，开始钻力扣上的算法，似乎无止境地改简历投简历，而这一切在往前看的时候真的感觉像没有尽头一般。每次想到我现在的状态，我都想到一个词”Infinite grind”, 而且我觉得这个词非常贴切地形容了我以及其他成千上万地想通过找到一个工作移民美国的外籍人士 —— 找到一份工作貌似就是隧道那头出口的一点点亮光，我们必须走过很长的黑暗才能到达。去年一年的找实习旅程也随着夏天的到来画上句号，我也没有找到一份在企业里的实习，于是就在学校里做着一份和软件开发相关的兼职。去年一年我是真的感到非常孤独，而今年的全职工作的找工季，我也很幸运能够遇到几位朋友，ta们能陪着我一起度过这段时光。

我知道在找到一份满意的工作前我是无法停止下来的，而这并不是社会不让我停下，而更像是我脑海里对自己的要求不让自己停下来。目前生活的内容每天都是数据结构和算法、无尽地投递简历，我总是欺骗自己让自己以为我享受做这件事情，但事实却不是如此。我想如果我能够佛系一点，不在意去的公司大小，能顺利找到工作就行。但总是不免担心去小公司不提供签证支持，或者如果去不到大公司三年之后抽不到签证的话就没办法留下来了等等…... 但这些我都不想考虑，我并不是一个怕累怕吃苦的人，但是我希望自己能够积极、快乐地去面对生活的一切，而不是沮丧和悲观，因为这样我真的会变得浑浑噩噩。我只想更加地活在当下，将注意力放在我能控制的事情上，变得开心，享受每一天。

找工季节的一件很不利于我身心健康的事情就是我失去了部分的自我。每天非常“忙”，或者是没有精力和力气在下班之后去做自己喜欢并且非常需要精进的事情—比如音乐和阅读写作等等，这一个问题也是我在之前的文章里多次提到，也和我的心理咨询师经常聊到的话题。没有这些浇灌我灵魂的事情，我感觉自己就变成了一个现代社会里的机器人，不得不无时无刻地转动着， 不然就会被整个系统给落下…… 我知道自己应该学会放下忙碌占据我大脑的事情，每天分配时间给自己享受的事情，但这就是很难做到。

Young Royals 以及自我接纳 👨🏼‍❤️‍💋‍👨🏽

最近和Theo一起把三季的Young Royals一口气给看完了（最后两集是昨晚消沉的时候自己看的）。这部剧虽然远远称不上烂剧，但是后两季确实是剧情冗长，与第一季相比完全没有让人看下去的欲望。但无奈我又是一个喜欢把剧看完的人，于是就咬牙把三季都看完了……

这部剧的结尾是威利和妈妈郑重地说自己要放弃王储，想做一个普通人，随后下了车在沙路上狂奔追赶着西蒙。威利王子是个如此渴望自由的人，甚至不惜放弃王位。如果把我放在他的位置上，我真的很难说为了追求自由，我真的会放弃成为一位国王。另一个镜头是西蒙和萨拉的爸爸送给了他们一辆车，当姐弟俩讨论着一直有酗酒问题和逃避责任的父亲时，西蒙说“我们从来都不应该相信他的，他永远都改变不了。” 而姐姐在与父亲相处了一段时间后态度发生了变化，她说：”你知道吗西蒙？虽然有些人很糟糕，但并不代表着我们不需要他们在我们的生活中。“ 萨拉的这句话给了我很大的触动，因为我经常会因为一些性格上的特质去抱怨和某些朋友、家人出不来，看待ta们的视角也被锁定在了这些负面问题上。但是整体上看ta们绝对都是对我很好很好的人，而且我的生活中非常需要ta们，不能仅仅因为一些小问题就影响了我去爱ta们。

关于这部剧还有其他很多关于LGBTQ+群体的剧，都不断尝试去教育观众们要”做自己“——毫无歉意的做自己。而这一点是很多人都非常难做到的。我们每个人在不同的层面上都或多或少是少数群体，或许是因为种族、性别、性取向、家庭条件、学历、身高体重等等等等。而大声地说自己自己真实的模样，敢于去和歧视者正面抗衡需要很大的勇气和力量，所以我们往往缩回去隐藏着真实的自己，而代价就是我们越来越不敢为自己发声，我们自己和身边的人都越来越看不到我们最精彩最真实的样子了。而我对此的反思就是我应该开始尝试着向更多的人展示真实的自我，勇敢地去暴露自己的不完美，哪怕意味着会失去一些东西，但往往能够换来更多的真诚。而最难的一关就是跨过自己的不安，去越过对对方的不信任，去克服对与受伤的恐惧，我相信要换来成长就必须让自己变得更加勇敢！

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