在纽约交朋友真难啊…
How I feel about friendship after spending over half a year in NYC, and my experience friending with others
NYC
"Making friends in New York is so damn hard..."
If I were to summarize my feelings about my year in New York in one sentence, it would be: "Making friends is so damn hard!" It seemed like last August and September were the times when making friends required no effort at all. Everyone was open to meeting new people, and the friends I made during the start of school have remained up to now. My circle of friends has barely updated, and my classmates have all formed their own "small groups". After that phase, it seemed like everyone slowly closed their doors, starting to live within their own circles, no longer putting in more effort to meet new friends (or maybe it's just me?..).
I've realized that the friends I've made are all from school: classmates from my major or those I've met through school social activities, and friends from outside of school with whom I keep in touch are few and far between. I know this is nothing out of the ordinary, as probably more than 90% of people's social circles are centered around school or work. But I don't think this is a very healthy or "correct" way to go about it! From my current perspective, friends should be chosen based on common points, interests, personalities, values, and other aspects. Although being in the same school or major might bring a certain communal identity, and classmates might be physically closer, these don't necessarily mean we can become friends.
On the contrary, based on my recent experiences, I find it harder to become friends with student groups. Everyone has high barriers around their hearts, seemingly wearing masks to protect themselves (not sure if this is just my projection).
Masks 🎭
Aang from Avatar: The Last Airbender once said: "In my age (100 years ago), people help each other." It was said with deep emotion, conviction, and belief. But in modern society, for me, whenever I have a need for help from others, the first thing I think of is to hide my vulnerability, show "I don't care," and put on an "indifferent" mask — as if I must make it known that it doesn't matter if you don't help me, I really don't give a damn. I don't want to analyze this phenomenon with modern theories, because we have become rational enough... But this defensive psychological mechanism makes our relationships grow more distant, and people, fearing getting hurt, drift further apart from each other. At this moment, I suddenly thought of my hometown, a small city among green mountains in Anhui, somewhat isolated like the "North Waterbending Nation", partly frozen in the past, very different from the atmosphere of big cities, where people's sense of boundaries is very low (I often interpret these behaviors as disrespecting my boundaries, not respecting me as an individual). But now, I have a new interpretation of this phenomenon — people's walls are not built so high against each other, so everyone expresses their own opinions, that is, showing their true selves without masks. Perhaps I've worn a mask for too long outside, and returning here, I find it hard to adapt to this less "civilized" modern society state.
“在纽约交朋友真他妈难啊…”
我想如果用一句话总结这边年来在纽约的一些感受的话，那就是：“交朋友真他妈的难啊！”
仿佛去年的八月和九月是交朋友根本不用费任何力气的时间段，大家都打开自己认识新朋友，也是在刚开学的这段时间认识的朋友一直持续到现在，我的朋友圈几乎没有更新过了，身边的同学也都有了各自的“小团体”。自这个阶段之后，貌似大家都慢慢关上了自己的门，开始在自己各自的圈子里生活，不再花费更多努力去认识新朋友了（或者只是我吧?..)。
我发现我认识的朋友都是来自学校的：身边同专业的同学，又或者是通过学校交际活动认识的其他专业的同学，学校外的且有持续联系的朋友屈指可数。我知道这样是再正常不过的事情了，大概有超过90%的普通人的社交圈是以学校，公司为中心的吧！但是我并不觉得这是个很健康，或者说“正确”的方式吧！以我目前的观点来看，朋友应该是以共同点，共同的兴趣，性格，价值观等各方面来划分的，虽然同处一个学校或者专业会有一定的群体共性，以及学校里的同学会有物理上的接近性，但是这些并不是代表着我们能够成为朋友。
相反，以我这段时间的经历来看，相反我觉得我更难和学生群体成为朋友，大家的心墙都很高，貌似都带着一些面具，用来保护自己。（不确定是不是我的自我投射）。
面具 🎭
降世神通里安说：“In my age(100 years ago), people help each other.” 深情中带着坚定和相信。但是处于现代社会，对于我来说，每当我对别人有寻求帮助的需求时，我第一个想到的是收起自己的脆弱，展现出“不在意”，带上“冷漠”的面具 —— 仿佛必须要让对方知道，就算你不帮助我也没关系，我真的他妈的不在乎。我不想用现代的理论来解析这种现象，因为我们已经变得足够理性了…. 但是这种防御的心理机制，会让我们的关系变得越来越远，人们因为害怕受到伤害也会离彼此越来越远。此时我突然想到了我的老家，一座位于安徽的青山中的小城市，仿佛跟与世隔绝很久的”North Waterbending Nation” 很像，时间部分被冰封在了过去，和大城市的氛围很不同，人们间的边界感很低（我经常把这些行为解读为不尊重我的边界，不尊重我这一个体），但目前我对这种现象多了一重解读—— 人们彼此间的墙没有搭地那么高，所以都是各抒己见，也就是说以不带面具的本来的样貌示人。可能是我在外面带面具太久了，回到这里反而不能够适应这一没有那么”文明“的现代社会状态了。
