关于性取向、移民和快乐的思考：在纽大读研半年后的感受

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My sexuality, immigration, happiness chat - Half a year spending at NYU and in the US.

Time flies so quickly! It's another morning where I don't feel like doing anything. I guess I'll just write more, perhaps to organize my thoughts. Friday to Sunday, I have three days to do my own things, without the push of homework deadlines. It feels so liberating!

It seems I've aged faster than I expected. My self-portrait and self-image still linger in the year I turned 18, when I first left home for Beijing. I was young and naive back then. But it feels like I haven't experienced much, or maybe the pandemic has made many years seem void. In the blink of an eye, I'm about to turn 24... 6 years, how did it pass so quickly!

I'm someone who is always dissatisfied with my past: not satisfied with not making it to a better class in high school, my undergraduate program not being top-notch, my major not being cutting-edge nor of interest to me, taking easy elective courses, undergraduate years dominated by anxiety, not having accumulated enough knowledge, my past self not being brave enough, lacking self-awareness, never having experienced a sweet romance... and many other regrets and dissatisfactions.

After coming to New York, I realized that I'm someone who reminisces about the past, or rather, past memories occupy a larger part of my recollections. It feels like life in New York is filled with academics, job searching, and anxiety about post-graduation status, without the acute awareness of life I had in the early years of college — back then, I lived more in the present and enjoyed each day.

Since arriving here, I've come out to almost everyone around me. For many, it was direct; for others, I hinted at it with a rainbow flag in my Instagram profile, hoping people would understand the part of me I wish to express and reveal — each coming out experience is a moment of vulnerability for me, a mix of fear and exhilarating excitement. It makes me anxious but also deeply satisfying... On one hand, I'm terrified of being hurt, having lost good friends in the past by showing parts of myself; on the other, I want the whole world to know: "I'm gay! I like men!" Whether you accept it or not, give me an answer quickly so I can decide if you're going to be my friend. I hate this feeling of uncertainty.

Comparatively, I've faced less suppression and inner conflict here than in my home country (I seem to selectively forget many memories from home, which makes me think life there wasn't that bad). At least, I don't have to pretend to be straight every day. But this leads to a dilemma: my life is split between two worlds, though I am just one person.

Regarding social media and content creation, I am active on platforms like Bilibili, YouTube, Xiaohongshu, and Instagram, sharing videos and texts. In the US, including platforms like Instagram, YouTube, and even LinkedIn, I can freely express my sexual orientation and gender identity without much burden. I enjoy not having to hide; however, on Chinese platforms (even my WeChat friends are split into two worlds), I feel restrained. I fear my old friends or people from my hometown or university seeing the real me, possibly because breaking their preconceived notions about me is difficult and painful. For friends who have known me for years, hearing "So you're queer!" is less stressful than "So you've been gay all these years and I didn't know," which brings more pressure and the fear and unfamiliarity of revealing a new self after taking off the mask. Thus, my creative freedom is limited on Chinese platforms, as my gender expression inadvertently intertwines with my content (for heterosexuals to relate, think of casually sharing thoughts like seeing someone attractive of the opposite sex and longing for romance). I even have to be careful about expressing my most natural thoughts in daily life.

Kenji Yoshino, a professor who has taught at Yale Law School and currently serves at NYU, describes in his book "Covering" two general approaches among homosexuals after going through correction and impersonation: those who prefer to cover their gender expression to blend into heterosexual society for a "peaceful" life, and those who choose to openly express themselves as a signal of uncompromising self-identity and rebellion against a powerful society. Younger Yoshino and I are more alike in the former approach. But I'm pondering what stops me from choosing the latter. Is it fear? Fear of attacks or harm from homophobes, or is it that my abilities and self-esteem are not strong enough to support a high-profile lifestyle? These are among the many thoughts and questions I have, yet I haven't found my answers... But I need to have absolute freedom to discuss my sexual orientation, including expressing my most genuine thoughts naturally in everyday conversations and on social media.

Last night, I had a brief conversation with a friend about whether America is as good as we imagined after living here for over half a year. The conversation started with us both agreeing that the life we have after staying in America is what we want, citing reasons such as the societal norms, political system, attention to diversity and protection for minority groups, higher freedom of speech and self-expression, and work-life balance, making life in America more ideal.

"I mainly dislike life in my home country because of the overarching state of politics over everything. Even political demands can overshadow the expression of human innovative ideas and the fight for citizens' rightful liberties. Such a societal state, from a macro perspective, can greatly hinder and regress the development of human civilization."

"But... is the life in America really ours?"

"Thinking about our current life, it seems to be filled with anxiety, struggling to learn front-end and back-end development, data science, algorithms, and other challenging knowledge, just to secure a job that sponsors our H1B visa, then spending almost a decade waiting for a green card... This life seems quite different from the one described above."

"It's as if we aspire to the American lifestyle, not the life of Chinese people living in America. Even after coming to America, the life we want is not necessarily the life we can have. What we desire and what we can attain are not the same."

I ended the conversation there, partly because I currently don't want to delve into this issue, escaping might be shameful but useful! And partly because discussing it wouldn't solve this problem that has troubled millions of Chinese immigrants.

Writing this, I feel much relieved, but I'm also starting to doubt my emotions. Maybe it's the coffee kicking in, or maybe it's the transition from the lethargy of waking up to entering a daytime state... But writing articles to organize my life is definitely helpful!

I've considered living a life "without consequences," doing only what I like and enjoy every day. Like working on various tech stack projects to explore my technical interests, practicing guitar and piano, learning jazz theory, composing my own songs and releasing singles and albums on music platforms, meeting new people, dating to increase the chances of romance, and exploring the fun places in New York.

"The free me" wants to throw work and immigration issues to the back of my mind, using these two years of graduate studies to explore the richness of life, making myself love life more. But "the realistic me" keeps reminding me of the harsh reality and intense competition—I need to lay the groundwork for a future with sufficient salary and a free life (i.e., the ascetic life of a graduate student), hence sacrificing two years of happiness.

Thus, my subconscious still prioritizes finding a job and staying here as the only important goals in my life. Although I often tell myself to enjoy the process and let go of the outcomes, the thought of not achieving these goals always leads to feelings of failure and depression... So maybe I should try to accept this situation, because deceiving my own brain often doesn't work. These goals are important, indeed, but also challenging. I should think about what I should do after accepting this reality.

But I really, really want to live the life without "consequences" I just described!

Should I balance my current life, juggling studies, job hunting, and hobbies? Or should I just live a life without "consequences"? It seems I can only choose the former, as it's safer, more realistic, and beneficial for the future. The latter, not advocated by society or even allowed, could unbind and expand my life, possibly leading to other miracles, but these are not guaranteed and come with great risks. Compared to the stability and certainty the former brings, choosing the latter requires courage and open-mindedness that I currently do not possess—I'm still afraid.

Questioning the Path of Love

The night before last, when I was talking to my mom on the phone, she said, "I don't hope you make a lot of money, just that you're safe and happy. It's okay if you can't find an internship this summer. You can make videos, play the piano, and there are many other things you can do." I was happy to hear her say this, as it was almost the opposite of what they said during my undergraduate and high school years. Perhaps they feel I'm under too much pressure now and want to relieve some of it, or maybe their perspective on life has changed after experiencing business upheavals during the pandemic, among other reasons. I don't want to speculate. But every time they show love to me, I can't help but wonder, "Will you still treat me this way after I come out? Will you continue to love me? How will you face your friends when you have a gay son? Will you resent me when you can't raise your head in front of relatives and friends, even though I'm also a victim with no choice?"

These thoughts have probably rehearsed thousands of times in my mind over the years... Constantly arising, repeating, reinforcing, training my brain into a circuit that

中文

关于性取向、移民和快乐的思考：在纽大读研半年后的感受

时间过的好快啊！又是一个什么都不想做的早晨，只能多写点东西，或者用来梳理下大脑吧！周五六日三天我可以做很多自己的事情，不用被作业的DDL给推着的感觉真好！如释重负！

年纪的增长貌似比我想象的快很多！我的自画像和自我印象貌似还停留在18岁那年，刚离开家去到北京，我还是年轻的，还是稚嫩的。但貌似感觉什么都没有经历，又或许是疫情让很多的岁月变得真空了，转眼间我就要24岁了.....  6年啊，怎么这么快！

我是个总对自己的过去不满意的人：不满意自己高中没去到更好的班级、自己的本科不够顶尖、学的专业不够前沿也不是我感兴趣的、辅修课程水、本科被焦虑占据了太多时间、沉淀和积累下来的东西太少、过去的我不够勇敢、对自己的认识不足、没有谈过一场甜美的恋爱......  等等的很多遗憾和不满。

来到纽约之后发现自己真的是个比较怀念过去的人，又或者说过去的记忆在我的回忆里占了更大的比重。感觉来了纽约之后生活被学业、找工作和对毕业后身份的焦虑填满了，没有像大学前几年对生活有那么敏锐的感知力——当时的我更活在当下，享受每一天。

来到这里之后我出柜了，跟基本身边的所有人。很多直接说明的，没有说明的我也在Instagram Profile栏里摆了一面彩虹旗，希望看到的人能明白我想表达和被展示的部分赤裸的自我——向每一个人的每一次出柜都对我来说是一次灵魂的裸露，是一次脆弱，些许害怕又带着兴奋的激烈体验。让我很烦躁，但又很过瘾....... 一面的我十分害怕被伤害，因为曾经展现部分自我就失去了好朋友；另一方面我想让全世界都知道: “我TM是Gay! 我喜欢男人啊！”不管你能不能接受，尽快给我一个答案，这样我也能快速决定你是不是我的朋友，不想这样没答案地耗着.... 我很恶心这种感觉。

这一点来看确实比国内免去了很多的压抑和内耗（我好像选择性遗忘了国内的很多记忆，导致我开始觉得国内的生活也没那么糟），起码我不用每天跟身边的人装直男了。但是这样就带了一个问题：国内外对我来说就是两个世界，虽然只有一个我。

关于自媒体和内容创作，我在B站，Youtube，小红书，Instagram等平台都有在输出自己的内容，或是视频或是图文。在美国这边的平台包括Instagram, Youtube, 甚至Linkedin，我都能够没有太多负担地向外展示我的性取向和性别表达，我也很喜欢这种不用夹着尾巴生活的感觉；但相反在国内的平台(甚至我的微信好友标签也分为两个世界)，我一直有束手束脚的感觉：我害怕我老家或者大学的朋友们看到我的真实自我，可能是打破固有印象较为困难和痛苦吧！相比于第一次见面的朋友说“你是酷儿啊！”，认识很久的朋友会说的“原来你是gay啊！这么多年我都不知道”这样的话会带来更多的压力、和摘掉面具后展示新面孔的恐惧和陌生感。所以在国内的平台我的创作自由会被限制很多，因为我的性表达会在不经意间穿插于我的很多内容创作中（异性恋此处可以共情的例子：我昨天看到了一个好漂亮的异性，让我好渴望恋爱等无意间的私人生活、想法的分享。我甚至需要去注意我生活中最自然想法的表达）。

曾在耶鲁法学院执教，目前也担任纽大任职的吉野贤治(Kenji Yoshino)教授在他的书《掩饰》中描述过他对于经历过矫正、冒充之后的处于掩饰阶段的同性恋者会粗略分成两派：一类倾向于掩饰自己的性别表达，这样可以融入异性恋社会过一个“平静”的生活；另一类型倾向于张扬地展示自己，作为绝不妥协自我以及向强大的社会反叛和宣战的一种信号。Youshino教授说自己年轻的时候属于前者，和目前的我较为相似。但是我也在思考是什么阻挡我选择成为后者呢？是恐惧吗？害怕被恐同者的攻击或伤害。还是我的能力和自尊不足以支撑我尝试一种高调的生活方式？等等之类很多的想法和问题，但我还没有自己的答案...... 但是我需要拥有讨论我的性取向的绝对自由，包括在日常对话和社交媒体上发表我最真实想法的自然感。

昨晚和一位朋友展开了“来美国半年多之后，美国是否有我们想象中那么好”的一段简短对话。对话的开头是以我俩共同赞成“留下来后美国的生活是我们想要的样子”开始的，但是一段对话重要的是“但是”后面的内容。

“虽然留在美国后的生活是我们想要的，不论是社会的规范化程度，政治制度，对于多样性的重视和少数群体的保障，更高的言论自由和自我表达自由，还是工作生活平衡等等，美国的生活都是更加理想的。”

“我不太喜欢国内的生活主要是因为政治大于一切的整体状态。甚至政治要求会凌驾于人类创新性观点的表达，凌驾于公民争取正当的权利等。这样的社会状态从宏观的视角来看是会让人类文明的发展受到极大程度的抑制和倒退的。”

“但是... 美国的生活是属于我们的生活吗？”

“想想我们目前的生活貌似只有每天被焦虑折磨，拼命学前后端开发，数据科学，算法等等较为难啃的知识，就为了毕业能顺利找到一份能够资助我们H1B签证的公司，然后再花一个小十年等绿卡...... 这样的生活貌似与上面的描述是截然不同的两种生活。”

“好像我们憧憬的是美国人的美国生活，而不是中国人在美国生活的模样。就算来到了美国，我们想要的生活也不是我们能够得到的生活。我们想要的和能够得到的，并不是一件事情。”

说到这里我就把对话打断了，其一是因为我目前不想讨论这个问题，逃避虽可耻但有用嘛！其二是因为讨论了也解决不了这个困扰过数百万中国移民的问题。

写到这里了，我感到舒展很多了，但我目前也没有完全那么相信自己的情绪了。因为或许是咖啡开始起作用了，又或许是摆脱了起床之后的那段疲倦期，身体开始进入白天状态了等等.... 但是写文章来梳理我的生活肯定也是有帮助的！

我也考虑过要不要去尝试一种完全忘记“后果”的生活，每天只做我喜欢和享受的事情。比如做很多的不同技术栈的项目来探索自己的技术兴趣方向、多练吉他钢琴、学爵士理论、创作自己的歌曲并在音乐平台上发单曲和专辑、多认识新朋友，多约会增加恋爱的可能，多探索纽约的好玩的地方。

“自由的我”想将工作和移民问题抛诸脑后，用研究生这两年探索生活中丰富的事情，让自己更加热爱生活。但是“现实的我”也会不断提醒我社会的残酷，竞争的激烈——我需要为未来有足够的薪水和自由的生活做铺垫(也即苦行僧式的读研生活)，所以需要牺牲研究生两年的快乐。

所以我的潜意识还是把顺利找到工作和留下来当成我生活中唯一重要的目标，就算我经常告诉自己享受过程，放下结果，但是每每想到这两点无法实现时，自己总会失败和低落…… 所以或许我应该尝试去接受这样的现状，因为尝试去欺骗自己的大脑往往没用，这两点就是很重要，但也确实很困难。我应该在接受了这两点的基础上再去思考我该怎么想和做。

但是我真的好想好想过上刚刚描述的那种没有“后果”的生活啊！

我该平衡好我的当前生活，兼顾学习，找工作和爱好呢？还是就去过没有“后果”的生活呢？我感觉貌似只能选择前者，因为更保险，更现实，对未来有益的。后者是不被功绩社会提倡甚至是不被允许的，虽然选择后者能够给我松绑，舒展我的生命，甚至有可能让其他的奇迹发生，但是这些都不是被保证的，甚至风险是极大的。相比于前者带来的稳定性和确定感，在这个动荡和变化的时代，选择后者所需要的勇气和豁达貌似是目前的我所不能够达到的——我还是害怕的。

质疑爱的回路

前天晚上跟妈妈打电话的时候她说：“我不希望你能赚大钱，只希望你能平安和快乐。暑假找不到实习也没有关系啊，拍拍视频，弹弹琴，还有很多其他的事情可以做的。”我很高兴她能对我说出这样的话，因为这和他们在我本科，高中时期说的话几乎截然相反。可能是因为他们觉得我现在压力太大了，希望给我解解压，也可能是他们在经历过疫情之后生意上的剧变之后对人生有了新的观点等等，原因有很多，我不想去推测。但是每次当他们对我展示爱的时候，我的心底都会冒出“当我出柜后，你还会这样对我吗？还会一直爱我吗？当你有个同性恋的儿子之后，你怎么去面对你的朋友们呢？当你们在亲戚朋友面前抬不起头时，你们会怨恨我吗？就算我也是没有选择的受害者”……

这些想法这几年大概在我的脑中排练过上千次了吧… 不断产生，重复，强化，已经把我大脑训练成“接收到爱“直接导向”质疑这份爱“的回路。我和父母之间始终存在着深深的隔阂：我无法完全信任他们现在给我的爱，他们也会感受到我对他们的封闭和排斥。

可能这篇文章就写到这里了吧，更深入的分析可能放到未来的文章，也需要我更静的状态和更高的思考。

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